A kickball, actually. Cameron was out on the play yard of his new school. It was early November, 2006, he was in 5th grade and was hit in his 11 year old head, hard, with a rubber kick ball. He even blacked out. The school nurse didn't send him home, and I wasn't informed of the incident until more than a week later... pretty typical of communications between Cameron's mother and me at the time.
A week or so later the headaches began. And the dizzy spells. And the nausea. Cameron finally mentioned the incident with the kickball, so I took him to the chiropractor, thinking that the ball might have knocked something out of whack that was causing the problems. The chiro adjusted him and suggested an allergy test. Being autumn, leaf and other mold allergies were all over the place, and the symptoms matched. I had my house checked, but no mold registered. I respectfully requested that his mom check for mold too, and, well... let's just say it was taken as an affront, and the request was not-so-respectfully denied.
Ok - quick side note on Cameron's mom. I will refer to her as "Ms. P." Really quick. Ms. P certainly relates to this story, but it doesn't center around her. I understand that she, too, is grieving this unbelievable loss, and I don't mean to come off as disrespecting her grief. I can relate my own experience and loss, as a father and as a cancer survivor myself, but I can not imagine the depths of a mother's loss of her only child. And still I must be truthful about this journey. The cancer was a walk in the park compared to dealing with her through all this. I don't say that lightly.
Thumbnail biosketch: Ms. P & I were married for 7 years, divorced when Cameron was about 3. Just grew in very separate directions, personally, emotionally - on all levels, really. No blame, just the human condition at work. Everything was amicable until the summer of 2005 when she started treating me like a criminal. Someone dripped poison in her ear that I was trying to take Cameron away from her (I wasn't), and apparently she was quite impressionable because nothing was ever the same after that. She said horrible things to Cameron about me, told him things like I would try to kidnap him, refused to let him attend his beloved great-grandmother's funeral (I had to get am emergency court order), sent police to my house once for no reason... really crazy stuff. She caused him much frustration and even despair throughout his short life. Sad. That's not to say that she didn't love him, in her way, or that they didn't enjoy good times together too, or that he didn't love her. He was very open with me about his feelings in general, but also regarding his relationship with mom. Cameron learned young to recognize love in all its forms. Love is love, but some people just have a really fucked up way of showing it sometimes. I'm just saying. I learned that at a young age too, but that's another book. It made made watching him experience it all the harder.
So Cameron's headaches kept on. Mine too - both from Ms. P, and not knowing what the hell was going on with my son. I took him to the pediatrician, solo. His regular doc was away, so we saw a stand-in. The doc ran a bunch of tests, said it could be mold allergies, or diabetes, or mono, or any number of other things. She called a few days later with the test results, and reported that it wasn't any of those. I asked what it could be, and she said she didn't know, but bring him back if the symptoms persisted or worsened. They did. Both.
Cameron was with his mom the latter part of that week, which meant that I didn't really hear much about his condition, until he called me Sunday night, 11/26, crying, saying that he couldn't walk and that the left side of his body felt numb. I asked if his mom was taking him to the hospital and should I meet them there. He said that she refused to take him, accusing him of making it up to avoid having to go to school the next day. His whole life, Cameron loved school. He couldn't wait for summer to be over, he was so excited for the new school year to begin. (He had attended a Waldorf school for most of his foundation years, which fosters a love of learning in children.) I told him to put Ms. P on the phone. She confirmed his story, and since he was still on "her" time, I could not come to pick him up to take him to the emergency room myself. Cameron and I had to wait until the next day.
I love you, Henry. - Carrie
ReplyDeleteHi Henry- This story is breaking my heart- No blame intended to Cameron's mom, just feeling the severe ache associated with having more and more stress in an already horrible situation- so glad you are writing this- loving you from here-
ReplyDeletealice
For the sake of your dear son's memory please have some honor, grace and forgiveness for yourself and MsP, the mother of your only child. Let Cameron rest in peace. You need to find some solace and this certainly isn't the way to attaining a renewed life with your current spouse. Respect that you did what you knew how to do in Cameron's short life and realize that he loved both of you and got fun out of living for his time here. Do not use this forum to fight your demons. You owe your own spirit the lessons learned in the results of private suffering. Please think about this.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments, IMOW. It's good to get honest feedback. I really appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteI tried to make it clear at the outset that I respect Ms. P's grief. This isn't meant to be vindictive or to air dirty laundry. It's the reality of my experience, raw and real.
I am being very selective and only talking about things that pertain to the story at hand, and to give a little bit (a very little bit) of background to put things into perspective. My perspective.
There will be things that are difficult to read here. I know the stuff about Ms. P is difficult to read. And the story isn't about her. It's about my journey. It's about what I witnessed and felt along the way. She happens to be a part of it. I can't help or change that, and won't sugarcoat or sublimate what happened or how she effected this process. I can not suffer privately so others are not made uncomfortable. This is my catharsis.
Is there a better way to present the story, as she was involved with it, do you think? To me, she is the tragedy of the story. Not the cancer. It's kind of a key element. The triumph will come later. I won't get catty. Just presenting facts as they happened in my own experience.
And I am not soiling Cameron's life or memory by sharing my story. I'm sorry you feel that way. This is not Cameron's story either. You can read his story in his own words on his Caringbridge page. This is for me.
I believe that much good will arise from this blog/book, otherwise I wouldn't write it. I have already been contacted by parents who are more aware of how they treat their children because of this story. To be inspired to reflect on one's own parenting style/choices a good thing, don't you agree?
People are always asking me why I haven't mentioned Ms. P much when I have written on Cameron's Caringbridge blog. It's because I knew there were a lot of children reading his blog, and it was important to protect them. I didn't sugarcoat his experience there either, nor did he, but I didn't go into the darker places that this journey took us. Now I can. I need to.
As I said, this forum isn't Cameron's story, nor his mother's. It's mine. I need to shed light on all the aspects of this experience, and to release those darker places so I can resolve them and move on with my life.
These last 2 years have been a roller coaster. It's not all pretty and happy. There is a very dark dimension to this story that I don't want to talk about anymore. I have told this story repeatedly to those who have asked, and I'm tired of talking. For me to write it once and for all allows me to say to people who want to know, "Here's the blog/book. Go read about it, because I have other things to talk about now." I am excited for that day. I deserve it. I am so much more than this story. My husband deserves it too.
I respect, IMOW, that this may not be your way of resolving your inner conflict. Please respect that it is mine.
By sharing my life experience artistically through writing, perhaps someone going through something similar will benefit somehow by reading it. As with a painting, each person will see something different. I expect some people will be made very uncomfortable or be offended by what they read. Some will not. I hope all will have the courage to speak their mind and offer constructive criticism freely.
I am fighting no demons here. I am releasing them. You may choose to read on or not.
Thanks again,
Henry
"In My Own Words,"
ReplyDeleteI think Henry was being as kind as possible when he discussed Camerons mom. Some may think it was harsh, but I see it as compassionate. Did you not read the part where he said he cant imagine how hard ... Read Moreit must be for a mother to lose her son? And that even though she made some choices he disagreed with, he had no doubt that she loved him deeply? Cameron has his place, his caringbridge, and I've visited it many times. Cameron told his story, and now its time for Henry to tell his.